On the Dark Side of The Son

Today is my eldest sons 16th birthday. Happy Birthday #1!; even though you’ll probably never see this blog. It’s a funny thing the way relationships develop and change over time. It’s actually quite painful sometimes. The baby became a boy, and the boy a young man. And by all accounts, a fine young man according to teachers, coaches and parents of friends. But, as for me, I envy the relationship they all seem to be able to enjoy with him. I rarely can get the time of day from him; it’s usually an unintelligible grunt. Unless of course he needs something from me, then it’s rather clear. I guess this is probably normal, I don’t know. I’d like to think that I’m doing everything right for him, but I’m sure I’m not. After all, he did not come with a manual. I do struggle to maintain a balance between parent and not too much friend, but I don’t think he wants or needs me as a friend. Ironically, his friends seem to enjoy my company. I guess that’s why I think it’s more about the “us” and less about him or me individually. I do often try to solicit his opinions or feeling on things, and offer mine when asked….or not asked.  When he does ask about things, we usually go pretty deep. I generally don’t like short answers as they don’t usually do a question justice and rarely offer any relevance. On occasion he even seems to enjoy the long way around an issue. He is extremely intelligent, insightful and clever. He’s one of those people that “gets it” no matter what it is. I know that he hears me and is listening, maybe it’s just the way he processes things. I hear him "talk" or see him IM to and with his friends, offering an ear, and maybe some advice about their issues. He sounds a lot like me. I guess my ego is grateful for that. But I can’t help but wonder why he accepts my lessons/wisdom, but does not seem to accept or want to be around me. There was a time when he lived to see me come through the door. Now he rarely sees me at all. I know that he knows that I am always here for him. I am trying to be patient, hoping that eventually I’ll come back around from the dark side into his light again. It’s kind of like watching life through a 2-way mirror, being able to see and hear everything, but not being able to be a part of it.  

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. 
- Nathaniel Branden