Balance

Faith

Watching the river gives me faith that the rapids of life are temporary and we will once again find calmer waters.

Hang On

This tree found a way to hang on even after decades of being undermined. It developed how it needed to in to order survive and thrive. You can too.

Support

This tree reached out and found support. Shouldn't we all?

Dirty Work

Just had another conversation with my wife about business issues, relationships, disappointments, etc.
I started getting very agitated and heard myself saying the same things over and over again. I heard myself becoming the person that I was often if not every day. Venting my frustrations once again about myopic professionals that won't accept guidance, counsel, or experience if it's not theirs. Professionals that fall short in service delivery. Those conversations and frustrations seem to feed the demon inside. It doesn't take long to see that it becomes a vicious cycle. I started thinking that maybe this would be the perfect time to use that serenity prayer. Without looking it up I think it goes something like...

Lord give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
Give me the Courage to change the things that I can.
And please Grant me the wisdom to know the difference.

I was sitting here saying that over and over and over again and then I thought of the movie that we watched yesterday. It was the new Dracula movie. And without giving away anything or spoiling it it did seem to put forth a dilemma. At one point earlier in his life after being kidnapped, traumatized and trained, Vlad became a monster. He did the things that terrified normal people. After a while he was able to return to a somewhat normal life burying that dark part of himself deep inside. Later in the movie a new threat arises and he not only has to unleash that darkness, but has to seek even more albeit for what he thinks is a good cause, to save his people. He had to, for all intents and purposes, once more become a monster. A greater monster. That was the sacrifice he was willing to make so that those around him could enjoy peace and prosperity. He approaches a classic rock and a hard place situation. If they knew what he was planning, those around him would whine and cry and plead and tell him not to do it. On the other hand, if he just sat back passively and let his people be slaughtered he would hold little to no respect or standing in the eyes of his family and people.
This does seem to be a common theme in our society. Take a look at the TV show and movie the Equalizer. Peace and harmony are fantastic but every once in a while somebody has to let out the inner darkness, the demon, and bring the thunder.

Think about something so common, something that affected most families in World War II, like young men enlisting to go off to war. On the one hand, there were girlfriends and sisters and mothers crying and whining and saying don't do, don't go. On the other hand if you were one of the guys that didn't enlist, or at least try to, how were you viewed?

It's not easy always being human, and it's not so easy being a man.
I'm not sure that I would release the demons forever even if I could for it seems that every once and a while someone needs to step up and do the dirty work.
I guess for now I'll just keep them locked up, put on a smile and carry on with my day.

Lost in Place

I often just feel like I should be somewhere else, like I don't belong here. I feel like I should be out with my squad or team fighting the good fight, hunting evil, but I got sent home. This feeling and a general feeling of loss comes and goes and has been with me for decades. I think my career and raising a family distracted me from it most of the time. Now that I have released most of my professional obligations and am changing directions, it often rears up with a vengeance. When it is triggered, it can be such a feeling of separation or loss that it's worse that any actual persons death that I have ever experienced. I have a great family that I wouldn't trade for anything. But yet something seems missing. Or maybe left over from last time? I feel like I am on leave waiting to go back to war. I think, I prepare, I am aware, I am constantly vigilant. I find most daily activities and interactions boring and of little interest. I often find social interactions and situations with more than a few people of little to no enjoyment. I'd rather sit at the edge of a room or party and watch, and wait. Wait for what? I'm not quite sure what, but I expect it wouldn't be good. I probably sounds nuts, don't think I am, but there it is.

Freedom or freedom?

It's become clear that every place has it's own rhythms. You can fight it, or you can surrender to it, or more often try to balance somewhere in between. Every new place flows like a river and you can step in hold your ground and feel it pushing and flowing around you. Or, relax into it and become part of the flow. If you step in and hold your ground, perhaps after many years you become part of the flow like the banks of the river or large boulders mid-stream. But early on, in the beginning, you are like a chair carelessly left in the middle of a hallway. Or better yet, a squirrel in the middle of the road. Maybe close to where you should be, but definitely not in the best place for you right now. Traveling with other people tends to exacerbate the situation. Particularly if you care at all for their comfort and well being. It is almost impossible to get in to a rhythm quickly if at all. Perhaps after many trips or years together it is easier, but I doubt it. Someone will always be waiting, pushing or pulling their ideas and agenda. As a US Citizen I have always thought of Freedom in respect to politics, government, and the legal system. Maybe that is capital "F" freedom. Small "f" freedom might be your personal life day to day freedom. The ability to rise and leave when you want, to eat when and where you like. To sit alone or be alone as needed. To sleep as needed, etc. Perhaps, that should be the capital "F" freedom. For I am quite sure that for most of the world, the ability to move somewhat freely about a country and the world is less mentally beneficial than the freedom to live minute by minute and hour by hour as one wishes. While some may think it to be a gross exaggeration on my part, I will say that I can understand one persons feeling of being imprisoned while seemingly being in paradise, while another soars with freedom while living in what most would consider poverty, squalor, or at best spartan conditions.
I am sure that some would say that it is just a case of having a better attitude about your situation. Perhaps adjust your sails. I am sure that as a coping mechanisms that may be true or useful, but the fact remains that one is adjusting for something. At what percentage of adjustment is one no longer living their life? Are prison inmates living their lives? Are people in the midst of a Civil war living their lives? Are people deep in debt and going to jobs they hate everyday living their lives? Or are they surviving, maintaining, treading water and dreaming of the time when....

I think this is the type of idea or thought that is best dealt with in writing or alone. I am sure, because I have seen it happen, that if this idea of personal freedom is raised in a group of friends or family that someone will be telling some else how they are too sensitive, or are exaggerating the issue and that they should be grateful for the great house and car and family and job they have. Either because, I am inclined to believe, they are invested in believing that themselves or because they are part of someone's cage.
What do you think?

Sending Prayers of Peace to the Great Spirit

Emptying my cup

You would think that emptying your cup would be a simple thing. As simple as just tipping it over. In my case, apparently not. It seems like as soon as I turn it upright more things seep in from the sides like a spring fed lake. Maybe this will be a constant effort, but I do feel like I'm making some headway. Maybe that's why am finding it increasingly difficult to finish the books I've started. Maybe it's just really time to let everything drain out or bubble to the surface and evaporate.

Just Right

It seems to me that my life is like a campfire. Keeping it burning brightly seems to be the goal. And that goal takes constant vigilance and attention. The right placement, the right fuel, the right time, the right adjustments. All the while being wary of the elements that would seek to diminish your flame. If you burn too bright, too fast, you burnout too soon and you risk burning those around you. If you don't burn brightly enough, you are cold and unapproachable.
But, if you burn just right, you attract others to your light and warmth.

The Deed Is Done

That's what I heard thirdhand. 

My heart is breaking for them both. A pair that seemed ideal together, is no more. 

I suppose this is where Faith lives; in the space between non-comprehension, grief and acceptance.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost

Over Soul

I think it is time to dig into this idea of an over soul or Daemon. I feel confident that the brain doesn't create consciousness, it just routes, interprets or connects it to the physical world much like a radio receiver. I think the consciousness we experience is a piece of a large consciousness that is us and is available to communicate with if we can find the mechanism that works for us. Maybe we are like a shore party leaving a ship in a small boat to explore an unknown island. We have been gone so long that we forgot there was a ship to return to, and our radio is cluttered with so many other signals we normally can't reach it nor hear its call.

I think holy and medicine men and women, have been tuning it to their own and other streams of consciousness for thousands of years . They know about their ship and others. Maybe someday we all will. Maybe someday we will all feel connected.