Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Dirty Work
Just had another conversation with my wife about business issues, relationships, disappointments, etc.
I started getting very agitated and heard myself saying the same things over and over again. I heard myself becoming the person that I was often if not every day. Venting my frustrations once again about myopic professionals that won't accept guidance, counsel, or experience if it's not theirs. Professionals that fall short in service delivery. Those conversations and frustrations seem to feed the demon inside. It doesn't take long to see that it becomes a vicious cycle. I started thinking that maybe this would be the perfect time to use that serenity prayer. Without looking it up I think it goes something like...
Lord give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
Give me the Courage to change the things that I can.
And please Grant me the wisdom to know the difference.
I was sitting here saying that over and over and over again and then I thought of the movie that we watched yesterday. It was the new Dracula movie. And without giving away anything or spoiling it it did seem to put forth a dilemma. At one point earlier in his life after being kidnapped, traumatized and trained, Vlad became a monster. He did the things that terrified normal people. After a while he was able to return to a somewhat normal life burying that dark part of himself deep inside. Later in the movie a new threat arises and he not only has to unleash that darkness, but has to seek even more albeit for what he thinks is a good cause, to save his people. He had to, for all intents and purposes, once more become a monster. A greater monster. That was the sacrifice he was willing to make so that those around him could enjoy peace and prosperity. He approaches a classic rock and a hard place situation. If they knew what he was planning, those around him would whine and cry and plead and tell him not to do it. On the other hand, if he just sat back passively and let his people be slaughtered he would hold little to no respect or standing in the eyes of his family and people.
This does seem to be a common theme in our society. Take a look at the TV show and movie the Equalizer. Peace and harmony are fantastic but every once in a while somebody has to let out the inner darkness, the demon, and bring the thunder.
Think about something so common, something that affected most families in World War II, like young men enlisting to go off to war. On the one hand, there were girlfriends and sisters and mothers crying and whining and saying don't do, don't go. On the other hand if you were one of the guys that didn't enlist, or at least try to, how were you viewed?
It's not easy always being human, and it's not so easy being a man.
I'm not sure that I would release the demons forever even if I could for it seems that every once and a while someone needs to step up and do the dirty work.
I guess for now I'll just keep them locked up, put on a smile and carry on with my day.
I started getting very agitated and heard myself saying the same things over and over again. I heard myself becoming the person that I was often if not every day. Venting my frustrations once again about myopic professionals that won't accept guidance, counsel, or experience if it's not theirs. Professionals that fall short in service delivery. Those conversations and frustrations seem to feed the demon inside. It doesn't take long to see that it becomes a vicious cycle. I started thinking that maybe this would be the perfect time to use that serenity prayer. Without looking it up I think it goes something like...
Lord give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
Give me the Courage to change the things that I can.
And please Grant me the wisdom to know the difference.
I was sitting here saying that over and over and over again and then I thought of the movie that we watched yesterday. It was the new Dracula movie. And without giving away anything or spoiling it it did seem to put forth a dilemma. At one point earlier in his life after being kidnapped, traumatized and trained, Vlad became a monster. He did the things that terrified normal people. After a while he was able to return to a somewhat normal life burying that dark part of himself deep inside. Later in the movie a new threat arises and he not only has to unleash that darkness, but has to seek even more albeit for what he thinks is a good cause, to save his people. He had to, for all intents and purposes, once more become a monster. A greater monster. That was the sacrifice he was willing to make so that those around him could enjoy peace and prosperity. He approaches a classic rock and a hard place situation. If they knew what he was planning, those around him would whine and cry and plead and tell him not to do it. On the other hand, if he just sat back passively and let his people be slaughtered he would hold little to no respect or standing in the eyes of his family and people.
This does seem to be a common theme in our society. Take a look at the TV show and movie the Equalizer. Peace and harmony are fantastic but every once in a while somebody has to let out the inner darkness, the demon, and bring the thunder.
Think about something so common, something that affected most families in World War II, like young men enlisting to go off to war. On the one hand, there were girlfriends and sisters and mothers crying and whining and saying don't do, don't go. On the other hand if you were one of the guys that didn't enlist, or at least try to, how were you viewed?
It's not easy always being human, and it's not so easy being a man.
I'm not sure that I would release the demons forever even if I could for it seems that every once and a while someone needs to step up and do the dirty work.
I guess for now I'll just keep them locked up, put on a smile and carry on with my day.
Friday, October 03, 2014
Lost in Place
I often just feel like I should be somewhere else, like I don't belong here. I feel like I should be out with my squad or team fighting the good fight, hunting evil, but I got sent home. This feeling and a general feeling of loss comes and goes and has been with me for decades. I think my career and raising a family distracted me from it most of the time. Now that I have released most of my professional obligations and am changing directions, it often rears up with a vengeance. When it is triggered, it can be such a feeling of separation or loss that it's worse that any actual persons death that I have ever experienced. I have a great family that I wouldn't trade for anything. But yet something seems missing. Or maybe left over from last time? I feel like I am on leave waiting to go back to war. I think, I prepare, I am aware, I am constantly vigilant. I find most daily activities and interactions boring and of little interest. I often find social interactions and situations with more than a few people of little to no enjoyment. I'd rather sit at the edge of a room or party and watch, and wait. Wait for what? I'm not quite sure what, but I expect it wouldn't be good. I probably sounds nuts, don't think I am, but there it is.
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